If you're not down with the Decoys, they are a race of blonde babes from a dying planet who have traveled to Earth dressed in their best silver leather jackets and sparkle eye-shadow in order to mate with unsuspecting men, in the hopes that this inter-species collaboration will stave off Decoy extinction. Since they all look like Playmate of the Month, finding willing partners is easy, but the mating sessions usually end badly for the Earth men, because a Decoy hides within her ample bosom a tangle of ultra-cold tentacles that digitally explode from her chest mid-coitus, wrap around the man's torso and freeze him solid. Got all that? Good. The second installment of this horror-comedy series, Decoys: The Second Seduction, finds the Decoys -- once again led by the bespectacled honey-blonde brain of the bunch, Constance (Kim Poirier) -- descending on some sort of low-rent liberal arts college with an abundant supply of walking hard-ons that can be lured away from their dorms and turned into satisfied popsicles with little fuss.
The Decoys don't aim to kill their sex partners -- the pregnancy is worthless if the man dies -- but they don't sweat it much when it happens. One of the film's oddest scenes has them holding an impromptu strategy meeting on campus to discuss how they might go about improving the survival ratio of their mates. One of those male survivors from the first film, Luke, (Corey Sevier) returns in this film, to take on the 'Linda Hamilton in T:2' role -- presumed crazy and ordered to stay on meds, lest he start with the insane rantings about dangerous alien sex-kittens again. Luke's mandatory therapy sessions are presided over by the world's hottest psychiatrist, Dina Meyer, who is doing someone an enormous favor by appearing in this film, along with her Saw co-star Tobin Bell, who plays an anthropology professor with a blow-dried, loose-collar appearance fit for a drug kingpin on Miami Vice. The only other cast notable is Sam (Tyler Johnston) a kid whose resemblance to a very young Tom Cruise is almost weirdly distracting.p align="left">Playful misogyny is a vibe the film tries for -- to get jokes off the whole 'man-eating' female thing -- but the writing quality is too poor to make it sing. At one point, Luke, off his meds and trying to convince Young Cruise that he is in mortal danger from the Decoys, is asked by Young Cruise: What do these alien females want from us? Luke grabs him rough by the collar and barks: "They want us! They are real smart. You think you know who they are, but you don't! You'd never even suspect. They've been here a long time, they're your best friend, your girlfriend....they'll trick you into letting your guard down, and then..." at that point, the two are interrupted by a Decoy who passes by and gives them a squinty look. See? You can't trust those women -- er, I mean Decoys, Decoys. You can't trust those Decoys. Soon thereafter, Luke tries to uncloak a Decoy in public and is quickly back in the butterfly net, leaving Young Cruise as mankind's only hope to stop the Decoys.
The film has two basic effects, neither special. One is the tentacle-burst shot: a Decoy, usually in cowgirl position with breasts exposed, lets fly with a mass of poorly computer-generated squid-tentacles from the chest-area. The other is manual cut-ins, showing ropes of garden-hose coiling around the body of the victim. There's also a few money shots in later scenes of Decoys in full alien mode, looking like the Ridley Scott alien made out of wheat grass, but the less said about that the better. I will say, at the risk of spoiling, I thought I had seen everything until I saw an alien done in by a slow-running body tackle. Still, the final confrontation between survivors and Decoys does include the film's best moment. Dina Meyer, the skeptical doctor who's been upping Luke's dosage every time he tells her about the aliens, happens to walk into the room just as a seven-foot wheat-grass creature is hoisting him in the air. Her deadpan, totally unexcited response: "Oh. My God. They're real."