I almost wrote up a fan rant this week about Paris Hilton. After a paragraph, I realized that I was stating the obvious and backed away from it all. See, she recently had an interview with MTV/VH1 where they actually noted that it was a "word-for-word" transcript in case you didn't believe it. The discussion started with Christine Lakin (her Nottie co-star) trying to explain what a primary was. Irk #1, not having the slightest clue about the political process -- and not even potentially remembering any bit of schooling I assumed she had. Why am I surprised? I don't know.

From there, it went through a bunch of b-s, and then we get to Irk #2. Farts came up, and when asked: "So, Paris, even when you're at home by yourself, you don't occasionally let one rip?" she responded with: "No! Girls don't do that. Ew." Oh yes, that's right. Our skin is always perfect, we never fart, we don't grow excess hair, and when we go to the bathroom, it's just to powder our noses, not to deal with anything unsightly. Good lord. Is it wrong of me to want to send over some flatulence fiends to torture her for days with dutch ovens?

Anyway... I need a little reassurance that the world isn't doomed when women like Paris are popular, so this double feature is about women who discover their brains and put them to good use. They're both blonde, and both have lots of success, so Paris, this is me hoping that there is still hope for you, and giving you a hint about where to start: a double feature of Clueless and Legally Blonde.
a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0112697/">Clueless

Step One: Get a Clue.

You probably wouldn't discover night-vision sex tapes featuring Cher, but she does have the cluelessness, wacky fashion sense, family money, and social blinders. Luckily, they slowly fall away as she starts putting her brains and morals to better use. Instead of blindly driving into cars and "oopsing," she opens her eyes and sees the world around her -- especially after creating a Brittany Murphy monster of her very own and falling for a guy who does care about the outside world.

I remember reading that Paris interview and wondering how she mixes her "charity work" with her cluelessness. But you have to wonder how much is actually work, and not just her name, or a brief, smiling appearance. On parishiltonsite.net, they talk about her "charity work." They say: "In addition, many times, she goes through all her stuffs, makes a huge closet sale and donates all the money to charity. She especially did one for the Tsunami Relief." That sounds just like Cher. She thought she was doing good by donating outfits to Lucy, the maid, and then she realized real work is putting in the effort to learn about the cause and put the time and manpower behind it (the Pismo Beach disaster relief effort).

Trivia: Alicia was the one mis-pronouncing "Haitians." It wasn't scripted.

The Rules for the Clueless Drinking Game

The Golden Girls do Clueless -- yes, THE Golden Girls.

Clueless Premiere Beach Party

How Clueless Changed the World

Legally Blonde

I am foiled again by the slacking video uploaders! I don't have an embedded trailer for you, but you can go here to see it.

Step Two: Get Educated

If you forget that the second installment exists, Legally Blonde is a solid second step towards brain usage. Seemingly dumb sorority girl Elle uses her brains for fashion, beauty, and being a great gal for her boyfriend, until he dumps her for not being smart enough. In the blink of an eye, she's bound for Harvard Law School, slowly drops the overabundance of pink, and discovers her inner braininess. It was a shockingly fun movie that became a solid hit for Reese Witherspoon. (Unfortunately, all of the crappiness expected for the first one materialized in the second.)

Paris as a lawyer, though? Not really, but maybe she could take a class or two. Get a tutor? Heck -- read the paper and look up everything that confuses her? (Okay, maybe the last one is unrealistic -- there'd be too much to look up. Yes, that's mean, but it's probably true if you consider that interview.) Then again, Paris already got herself a Harvard Lampoon award. Anyway...on with the Elle!

Elle's 179 LSAT score puts her in the top 99.9%. A perfect score is 180.

Elle realizes that she needs to become a law student to win back her man.

How Elle got into Harvard.

Jennifer Coolidge tries to win over the delivery man.

The joke's on Elle.