Well well, Reverend Jesse Custer. It looks like you might make it to the big screen after all. It's hard to get too optimistic, seeing as you've had directors, producers, and HBO dancing around you for years. In fact, no one I've talked to offline had heard of your new movie deal the way they'd heard about Tony Stark's – and when I told them that it really seemed to be happening this time, no one could muster up much enthusiasm. We're a beaten down congregation, Reverend. It will take some writers or some casting announcements to get us excited – and we may always wish you'd ended up at HBO.

I don't think you're impossible to adapt; you take a lot of digressions that I'm perfectly comfortable never seeing on screen. Your first major adventure versus Si the serial killer, for instance -- then again, without it, your horrible grandma doesn't come into play. Hmmm. Any chance Columbia's thinking about giving you a trilogy? Because not only could you digress into serial killers and hedonistic Hollywood parties to your heart's content, but it would be one heck of a franchise, and might give us The Saint of All Killers' spin-off we all want. (Can you convince them to animate it? Can you use the Word to get Clint Eastwood to narrate?)

And what about who's going to play you? My loyalty to the Wild West says you need to be played by an American, but I can't think of a single one outside of Josh Holloway who can pull off the Texas charm. Otherwise, the only men who can truly handle the Word of God hail from the United Kingdom. I'm thinking Clive Owen, Mark Strong, or Gerard Butler, who's booming Spartan voice and onetime attachment to Priest (your pale imitation) means he really ought to try out for the collar. I'm at more of a loss for Tulip, who's ripped physique renders her unplayable by anyone except Linda Hamilton circa Terminator 2. My wild card choice would be for Mendes to indulge in a bit of marital favoritism, and cast Kate Winslet. I think she should wield a gun at least once in her acting career. After seeing RocknRolla, I'd nominate Toby Kebbell for Cassidy – but seeing as he really should be Irish, they'll either have to go with an unknown or Cillian Murphy.

But really, it's fitting if Preacher ends up populated solely by British and Irish actors. The director already hails from there, and frankly, so did the source material. It may start off in Texas, but Garth Ennis is an Irishman. I think this is half of what makes Preacher so good – Americans can make fantastic Westerns, but the truly brilliant ones come from outside observers. (See Sergio Leone. End of discussion.)

Timing wise, this couldn't be better. Today's Election Day, after all, and we'll find out if we're in for four liberal years, or conservative ones. Either way, the religious climate will be pretty ripe for you, Reverend Custer, to say nothing of the international. America's star seems to be waning, and there's no time like the present to introduce a sprawling, messy epic like yours into the mainstream consciousness, and remind us who we are, who we aren't, and who we sure as hell shouldn't be.

There's only one thing I ask of you, Reverend, and those currently handling you: Ditch those white jeans. Lord in Heaven, who besides you and George Michael has ever been caught dead in a pair?
categories Cinematical