Thanks to advancements in movie-going technology over the years, all one needs to view tomorrow's slasher remake, My Bloody Valentine, in three dimensions is a special pair of glasses. And according to Lionsgate's marketing department, all one needs in order to see the film in four dimensions is a set of beer goggles.

The above picture is of an online ad that I just came across while watching a video on YouTube. (Whether or not said video was a RickRoll, I'll neither confirm nor deny.) Apparently, the studio is so confident in the quality of their film that they hope young viewers over the age of 21 will stumble up to the ticket window before tossing their cookies mid-movie in an effort to create an interactive "splash zone" of sorts for some lucky viewers. Normally, I'm not one to play the prude, but even Beerfest didn't beg its audience to get 'wasted' before in order to enjoy their film (that was merely a given). Pineapple Express didn't rake in nearly ninety million dollars last summer because Sony's publicity campaign actively encouraged fans to arrive under the influence. And yes, while I'm aware that 'wasted' may also be a reference to the state of the film's victims, I severely doubt that it becomes any more of a four-dimensional experience for those less lively than Montalban and McGoohan combined. It's really just a seriously stupid tagline, which leads to my next point.

Lionsgate, if not their marketing minds, are better than this. They've created some striking imagery to accompany their releases last year, whether it was this kind of horror or that kind of horror. Why even bother saying, "our movie isn't cool enough to entertain sans alcoholic consumption?" Speaking of saying, what made you think that any individual not sold on this movie would be won over by the testimonials of junket press or Frank Miller? And speaking of The Spirit, you screened that film to most press before their deadlines. And Punisher: War Zone before that. And Transporter 3 before that.

But you won't screen your allegedly good trash to us, out of fear that... what, you might get coverage out of it that's more credible than an advisory to get bombed pre-viewing? MBV3D is sitting at a surely temporary 100% T-meter (with a whopping five reviews at the time of this writing); something tells me that it still wouldn't have been hard to top the 53% of Defiance and Notorious had the film been shown to everyone and received its inevitable share of drubbing early. No, most horror fans might not bother reading the reviews for a slasher flick, so then either show it to everyone, to prove you have nothing to lose and that it's some sort of fun, gimmicky ride (as I've been assured by those fortunate few I trust), or screen it to no one, because a junket review won't sell them on the concept if any review at all wouldn't have done the trick.

It's not that I expect you guys to actually obey me or anything (that's just Summit), bur rather it's the principle of the matter that bugs me. With any other studio, I would've gone on pretty much the same tirade; I may have before, and I may yet again. But in an age when quality studio horror continues to suffer, pulling stunts like this or the Repo! road show or the Midnight Meat Train second-run release aren't pleasing fans and aren't making you any more money as a result. Cranking out your Saw sequels and Medea-centric masterpieces is your cash cow, we get that, but then why go out of the way to sell the other genre fare short?

Look, I just wanted to get that out there. I'll still be seeing the film tonight, with friends and hopes in tow, and I'll be reviewing it tomorrow, and with any luck, I'll be sober for at least one of those activities.
categories Movies, Cinematical