In lieu of last night's hush-hush premiere of J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot in Austin, to a crowd fully expecting to see mere clips and then The Wrath of Khan instead, we checked our Inbox of the Future (patent pending) to see what other shenanigans the Alamo Drafthouse might have in store for these coming months...

April 15th -- An admitted sneak screening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine was preceded by the director's cut of Australia, with Hugh Jackman himself collecting money at the door as "a favor to Baz." However, many stayed to take advantage of the opportunity to literally stone Roger Friedman in the parking lot. Several Austinites returned their bongs to their cars when they realized that this didn't mean whatever they thought it meant, while others were commissioned to restrain Hitfix's Drew McWeeny when he took to chucking nearby scooters towards the tied-up Friedman -- a sight which left AICN's Massawyrm in equal awe and fear for his property.

May 5th -- What was alleged to be a screening of Piranha II: The Spawning turned out to be the informal premiere of McG's Terminator: Salvation, to the disappointment of many fanboys who had their fingers crossed for Avatar, but would settle for this instead. Compounding the frustrations was the appearance of Linda Hamilton, who proceeded to narrate the film live in person to an annoyed crowd. Tangents included all those weeds she pulled in the garden last week and that couch Jim took in the divorce. span style="font-weight: bold;">May 16th -- Many of the young members of the Alamo's Kid's Club were given primary seating to what was supposed to be a showing of that classic, The Red Balloon, but turned out to be the world premiere of the highly anticipated Up in 3-D. Reports of an insanely bleak ending led to a death toll of above two hundred children, with only one left in a non-catatonic state by the time the lights came up. The survivor's reaction was one of intense dismay, until the little girl was informed that this was a Pixar film and not DreamWorks -- news which seemed to perk her up considerably.

May 22nd -- Sam Raimi returned to show his Drag Me to Hell in completed form after its work-in-progress premiere at SXSW in March. Those expecting "the return of true horror," though, were tested when the first reel of Hell gave way to the remainder of Nia Vardalos' My Life in Ruins. Most attendees retched upon the Alamo countertops, while Cole Abaius of Film School Rejects was quoted as saying "that was actually kinda cute."

June 1st -- A free screening of The Untouchables is instead the world premiere of Public Enemies, with director Michael Mann in attendance. The director was increasingly seen and heard sobbing as the film progressed, as he reportedly grappled with the suppressed fact that he did in fact think shooting it with HD cameras was a good idea at the time.

August 27th -- What was alleged to be the rescheduled screening of Piranha II: The Spawning actually did turn out to be James Cameron's informal bow for Avatar. Unfortunately for fans, the visual wonderment was nonetheless diluted by Cameron's insistence on also narrating the entire film live in person. (The award-winning filmmaker stressed on more than one occasion that the sofa was totally his to begin with.)
categories Cinematical