With Rob Zombie's 2007 remake of Halloween, we found out that Michael Myers was not so much evil incarnate as he was an ill-tempered white-trash nut-job (yes, there is a difference). So, with tomorrow's release of his sequel to the remake -- Halloween II, not to be confused with Halloween II -- we take a stab (har) at predicting what little-known characteristics about the boogeyman will be revealed this time around.

1. He also has a brother -- In one of those convenient we-forgot-to-tell-anyone-before tangents, someone breathlessly reveals that Laurie Strode was actually a Siamese twin, and that her brother was separated and sent elsewhere. Laurie finds out when he friends her on Facebook, and their tearful reunion is marred only by the fact that their big brother shows up and proceeds to skewer poor Maury Strode on a nearby curtain rod.

2. He has serious allergies -- We see Michael trying to sneak up on Laurie the following Easter, only to repeatedly give himself away with a series of sneezes or trail of tissues. It's this dilemma that keeps him to his autumnal killing spree, not the eponymous holiday itself.
3. He listens to his iPod -- Yeah, you can't really see the earbuds in his ears underneath that hair and that mask, but believe me you, whether he's stalking or slicing, Mike's always got some sort of tunes playing along. Word is he's partial to Chopin and Shania Twain.

4. He's a vegetarian -- Myers will kill strays for the thrill of it, but he refuses to eat any animals. Go figure.

5. He's fond of the work of his colleagues -- Rumor has it that Myers had saved newspaper clippings every time that killings cropped up in Camp Crystal Lake or Springwood, going back for years and years in a ratty scrapbook under his bed at Smith's Grove. His last entry was an article about a Glen Echo killing spree at the hands of one Leslie Vernon...

6. He loves basket weaving -- Hell, why not? He had an awful lot of spare time in Smith's Grove Sanitarium, and mask-making can get fairly monotonous. Also ... a fine tap dancer!

7. He is actually a robot -- Ooh, better yet, Myers builds a menace of such unlikely physical stature compared to himself and allows it to pursue and rampage with stealth and generally stiff movements. Wouldn't that be seriously messed up and wholly unexpected? No wonder they would've skipped press screenings then! And man, what if Laurie was a robot too?! Then they could have a giant robot stabbing fight, with Dr. Loomis as referee, that'll have Michael Bay watching his back for Rob Zombie's next big-ass robot-slasher summer blockbuster.

Yeah. That's it. That there sounds like an extreme enough vision of terror to me.
categories Cinematical