If you happen to be a handsome ex-CIA agent who out of a rabid sense of patriotism let the US government turn you into a tech-savvy killing machine with no memories and a penchant for throat chopping people in all manner of office building and slum around the world, Matt Damon would like you to call Universal Studios and give them a heads up as to what your life is like. See, Universal wants to make a fourth Bourne film, as does series star Damon, but they currently have no idea how to plausibly bring the guaranteed money maker back to the big screen.

Damon explained to Empire in a recent interview the holding pattern America's new favorite ex-spy is in, "you can't see the guy saying "I don't remember" any more, because he's lost and regained his memory three times already! And he's not like Bond, who goes on individual missions. I mean, you could make Bond movies forever, because you'd start each film at the beginning of a new mission. But Bourne isn't built that way, unfortunately."

If your first thought is to somehow have Bourne go back to working as a G-man, toss it out right now; that's already been considered and dismissed by Damon and co. However, I'm pretty confident they haven't thought of the following. If they had, Revenge is Bourne would already have a trailer. strong>Jason Bourne Buys a House on Arlington Road
Sure, Bourne wouldn't realistically want to put himself back on the payroll of the heartless men that ruined his life on multiple occasions, but that doesn't mean he'd turn a blind eye to saving his country. The, "I think I live next to a terrorist" plot never really took off after Arlington Road, which is all the more reason to have Bourne move in next door to a sleeper cell.

Now, if only Universal owned the rights to an even bigger assassin franchise, we could turn the suburban rampaging to 11 and have Mr. And Mrs. Smith Meet Jason Bourne. Tell me that wouldn't be one hardcore property line dispute...

Jason Bourne Goes Camping in the Pacific Northwest
After all that globe trotting and throat chopping, doesn't Bourne deserve a vacation? He seems like a mountainside kind of guy to me, may I suggest a trip up north? What's this? Another Top Secret government to turn men into mindless killing machines has gone awry? Step aside, Rambo, Bourne's got this one.

Jason Bourne Fights Black Market Organ Donors in Brazil

Look, let's just be logical about this. Jason Bourne may be built like a prison brick wall, but he's not invulnerable. After surviving three films worth of brutal beat downs, there's gotta be some kind of internal damage. But without employer sponsored health insurance, how's Bourne going to be able to afford all of his surgeries? The CIA may pay well, but it doesn't pay Health Care in America well, so it's off to a cheap, life saving operation in South America. Only this time, those pesky Brazilian organ harvesters steal the wrong man's kidneys!

Think about it, Universal. That last one is perfect. It's topical and already has the series' staple international setting. Plus, the script can find Bourne with another spell of amnesia after waking up in a bathtub of ice and the US Government is still the bad guy responsible for it all.

I expect my duffel bag of cash delivered by Damon in person, thanks.
categories Cinematical