When I was writing the short-lived Horror Virgin series for Horror Squad, I received a lot of messages asking me if I had Troll 2 scheduled as part of my education. I would constantly stress to them that the point was for me to watch good horror movies, not bad ones, but it didn't matter. Everyone still thought I should see Troll 2 right after Halloween or Friday the 13th.

Well, I've seen it and I'm glad I waited to see it at a midnight showing with like-minded people instead of sitting at home with a copy. This is the kind of movie that needs to be seen with a crowd and with a couple of drinks in your system because it's really that bad. I don't know if it's the worst movie I've ever seen (the 1986 Trick or Treat comes awfully close, as does Frogs), but it certainly comes very close. There's not one redeeming thing to be found in acting, the directing, the story, the effects, or the soundtrack but it is absolutely hilarious in its madness. It's bewildering how a movie can be so bad, and the description cited in Best Worst Movie as "the kind of movie aliens would make if they came to Earth and tried to imitate human emotions and interaction" is spot on. Yet I'd have to argue that it's as though aliens had the end of seen one movie, and it was Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, and they tried to amend their failures with a homage. Bad move, aliens, as it suggested you should have known better.

Some of the best "jokes" will be ruined if you see Best Worst Movie beforehand as I did, but there's a thousand more to be found. The corn-on-the-cob sex scene alone is worth any price of admission you might have to pay, as is any scene involving Grandpa Seth, who I came to think of as the poor man's Burl Ives. If you twisted my arm and said "Pick a favorite scene from Troll 2, or die!" I'd have to stray from the "You don't piss on hospitality!" crowd, and pick his showdown with the Nilbog preacher. I mean, Grandpa Seth learned tricks from Satan -- and it's just a throwaway talent! That, and one triple-decker baloney sandwich (which I also assume was from hell, as processed lunch meat can hail from no other place), sums up the ridiculousness of this film.

If you ever get the chance to see Troll 2, take it, if only so you'll be part of the ever growing club. Our Watching Hour programmer mentioned that when he requested the print from MGM, they asked "Why do people keep requesting this? For years it just collected dust. It's so weird!" Well, you'll be one of the weird, and you'll be surprised at who else is too. Immediately after I tweeted a bleary-eyed "Wow ...", one of my friends tweeted back "I thought I was the only one who had seen Troll 2!" That's what this movie is, a fever dream that no one can ever quite believe exists outside of their own mind.

categories Cinematical