In times of strife and turmoil, when fate seems bent on discouraging me, I often pause to reflect on the power wielded by Steven Seagal. He is mighty and unflappable. No matter what problems beset him, he responds quickly and decisively, generally by shooting someone or blowing something up. How often I have wished that I, too, could possess the strength evident in the squinting actor and lawman's every move.

So how did I not know until this minute that Steven Seagal has a line of energy drinks called Lightning Bolt, which one assumes fills the imbiber with all the powers of Steven Seagal? During all my afflictions and woes, why did no one inform me that Zen-like wisdom and ponytailed physical excellence were readily available in a 16-ounce can?

The drink's website, which likes to mis-punctuate "its" as "it's," very strongly implies that Seagal devised the formula for Lightning Bolt his own self, conjuring images of Seagal in a white lab coat, mixing chemicals in beakers while occasionally stopping to deliver a roundhouse kick to an oncoming attacker. "Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt energy drinks are as unique as the man who created it," the website says, using "it" when it means "them." Where most energy drinks derive their power from massive amounts of caffeine, Lightning Bolt has none of it beyond the small amount found in green tea extract, which is one of the ingredients. The other ingredients are all natural, and Lightning Bolt was the first energy drink to contain Tibetan goji berries, not to mention Asian cordyceps! Whatever those are!
I don't doubt for one minute that Steven Seagal personally formulated his energy drinks, just as I'm certain Jennifer Lopez, with her master's degree in chemistry, devised her namesake perfumes. So it's no wonder Seagal also chose to put his name on the beverages. From the website:
"The name Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt was an inevitable afterthought. When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature - The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. Both mysterious and powerful, it's a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer- Such is Steven Seagals Lightning Bolt energy drink."
What I think that train wreck of a paragraph is trying to convey is that Steven Seagal is the most powerful force in the universe, and drinking his fruit juice will make you godlike. Surely such a beverage should be closely watched by the FDA, perhaps available only by prescription, but no! It can be purchased over the counter at many fine retailers, and also Wal-Mart!

It comes in two flavors: Cherry Charge and Asian Experience. The former tastes like cherry; the latter tastes like ... what, Asians? How is "Asian Experience" a flavor? What does that even mean? (Note: I am prohibited from making jokes about what I think constitutes an "Asian Experience." You'll have to make your own. In the meantime, please enjoy this fan-made video extolling the virtues of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, a video that is only slightly less plausible than Marked for Death.)

categories Cinematical