Last year, The Onion published an article satirizing Apple with fake news about an iPhone that can only be seen by the company's most loyal customers. It should have been reprinted this week in honor of the latest Apple pep rally held in San Franciso today. Before the event began, millions of people were not only curious, but already desired the rumored-to-be-unveiled iSlate or Apple Tablet or whatever it's actually called (yes, I've heard all the jokes), despite the fact that nobody really knew what it was (see Engadget's excellent rumor timeline). This madness has inspired today's pitch idea. Mainly due to the photographs in the Onion story, I'm obviously reminded of a little Hans Christian Anderson tale, the name of which would be altered slightly to ...

The Emperor's New iClothes

The satirical comedy (which probably couldn't legally get away with the "i" in the title) would be an adaptation of both Anderson's classic and the Onion article, while also mixing in elements of the recent Julia Roberts-Clive Owen film Duplicity, George Cukor's It Should Happen to You, the 1985 horror film The Stuff and any number of snake-oil salesman type con films, even The Music Man and The Rainmaker, because of course, the Steve Jobs character needs to fall in love with some woman he's duped. Maybe even sing a song about it.
Here's the plot: the computer company Bananas (orange you glad I didn't call it Orange?), which has been a leader in progressing the industry through annual unveilings of new products, has finally run out of ideas. So they invent a non-existent item called the iCloak, which is like an invisibility cloak, except it doesn't make you invisible. Nor does it really do anything it's rumored to do (including go on the internet, upload books into your brain, etc.). Because there's nothing there.

Or is there?

The twist: as it turns out, there is some kind of microorganism involved, which was found by one of Bananas' scientists in a meteor from outer space (yes, this where the influence of The Stuff overtakes the film). These "bugs" are included in the box for the iCloak and are used to brainwash these consumers into continuing to buying useless but "cool" Bananas products in the future. Or is this overdoing it? But wouldn't going overboard be appropriate for a movie lampooning Apple?

Either way, Apple loyalists, consider the memorable line from The Stuff: "Are you eating it, or is it eating you?"
categories Cinematical