For those dealing with the blizzard today, it might be more appropriate to pitch something inspired by the trendy topic of "Snowmaggedon," which would obviously be a mash-up of a particular disaster movie and Snow Day. But Snowmageddon (or Snowpocalypse) would really just be the same movie as The Day After Tomorrow. I'm far more interested in a true story recently spotlighted on Boing Boing that combines a different Michael Bay movie with a different kids movie starring a former SNL cast member. I'm calling it...

Hide and Go Sweep

A cross between Pearl Harborand The Master of Disguise (or anything else involving disguise), the World War II-set movie would detail the famous escape of the Dutch minesweeper HNLMS Abraham Crijnssen, which survived the devastating Battle of the Java Sea by being mistaken for a small tropical island. The camouflage was intentional, of course, and consisted of a cover of tree branches that allowed the ship to (slowly) sail undetected by the Japanese naval and air commands.
Hide and Go Sweep would open with the large-scale battle, one of the worst defeats for the Allied powers fighting in the Pacific, in which 2300 sailors from the American-British-Dutch-Australian Command lost their lives. During the Allied retreat, a number of ships trying to escape were sunk and/or destroyed, but the disguised Abraham Crijnssensnuck away and made it safely to Australia.

And here's where the real story becomes fictionalized and Hollywoodized, a la Pearl Harbor: following the battle, instead of being turned into a convoy and training vessel, as the real story goes, the crafty minesweeper would be included as a part of the Battle of Midway in an epic, climactic sequence showing the Allies getting their revenge with a monumental victory.

Oh, and instead of being about a Dutch ship, the movie will star a U.S. minesweeper -- let's say the USS Hilarity, because I like the name, though it wasn't actually commissioned for years after this particular battle. Sure, this change will annoy the Dutch, but we got through a similar controversy when U-571pissed off the British by implying the U.S. were the first to capture a German Enigma machine.

There you have it Jerry Bruckheimer. Now get Michael Bay away from the giant robots and back to WWII movies where he belongs. You could even sell this as a sequel to Pearl Harbor; maybe get Ben Affleck's character to quit flying and become a member of a minesweeper crew, too.
categories Cinematical