Okay, it's pretty obvious by now that when the world ends, it will be at the hands of a volcano. Think the Icelandic volcano is slowing down and that we'll soon return to the skies in our winged, metallic boxes of death and go about living our petty, insignificant lives? Nope. No one is going to have petty, insignificant lives when the world ends. We'll all have new lives of adventure and danger. Exciting stuff!

But how can you survive when every volcano on the planet simultaneously erupts, drowning our world in ash and molten lava? We'll have to deal with dirty thunderstorms, massive ash clouds that can kill airplanes and the inevitable alien invasion that will take advantage of our weakness. How can you possibly survive?

A few days ago, we posted a piece about a group that will house you in a cushy bunker when the apocalypse begins. Their price? Ten million bucks. Screw that. This is a recession. We're pinching pennies as it is. We've got to brave the face of mass destruction and chaos on a budget. Let's talk about how to do this on the cheap.
First, you're going to need to survive the initial volcanic eruption/nuclear onslaught/viral plague/alien invasion, so you need to construct an underground bunker. Naturally, the first thing you want is a shovel ($15). Get a slightly more expensive one so it won't break on you. It will also act as a bludgeon against mutant attacks when you emerge into the ruined world. Now you have to dig. You don't have the money to pay for help, so you've got to do it on your own for free. Pick a nice spot in the backyard, away from your house so wreckage won't fall on your bunker and prevent you from getting out. Now dig. Got down at least ten feet, maybe more.

Now things get tougher. You have to seal the floor and the walls to prevent earth from collapsing on you or burrowing animals getting in. Buy more than you think you need. This will be harder than it looks. You can get a pack of twelve bags for $101, leaving enough room for error. Follow the instructions on the bag and you should be set. Be patient and let it dry. Now you have a concrete hole. Good work.

The next step is to fill that concrete hole with the necessities of life. At the bare minimum, you'll need a cot ($33), a blanket (get a nice thick one for about $30), a big collection of assorted canned food (at about a buck a piece, buy $150 worth), a lot of bottled water (about $150), a flashlight ($22), a battery powered radio ($239) and, of course, batteries ($100 ought to do it). If you can spare the change, I'd recommend investing in a refrigerator (about $610 on the low end), not because you'll have the necessary power to keep your food cold (a luxury you cannot afford), but because it is scientifically proven that a simple fridge will protect to in the even of a nuclear blast.

You now need to build a roof/door to your hole. This is where I cannot help you, other than suggest you construct it out of lead to keep the radiation at bay. Buy a bunch of raw metal and do what you got to do. Wondering where you can buy a bunch of lead? You can find anything on the internet. About $500 worth should do.

Now, you wait for the end to happen.

Let's say you did this right. Let's say you survived the apocalypse and have emerged into what used to be your back yard. What now? Well, if you prepared in advance, you should already look the part. You cannot live in a post-apocalyptic world unless you look like a certifiable badass. If you do not look like a certifiable badass, the other survivors will murder you, eat your flesh and wear your skin as a coat to protect themselves from the icy colds. You've got to look intimidating, but it's got to be practical.

I'd recommend investing in a somewhat nice leather jacket ($180), thick enough to keep you warm and protective for when a ten foot tall army ant throws you across the rough pavement of a deserted highway. A gas mask ($52) is also a must, to survive deadly gas attacks and to scare the pants off of everyone else you meet. You'll need to defend yourself if provoked, so pick up a shotgun ($400), a healthy collection of shotgun shells ($70) and a machete ($20). Get a big duffel bag ($24) to carry all of your junk in.

Oh, and boots ($109). Tennis shoes will get you nowhere once the world has ended.

If you didn't plan ahead, you'll have to traverse the ruined world on foot. This will probably result in your death. I suggest investing in something capable of driving right over ruined land with little effort, like a dune buggy ($1,449). Pick up some spray paint ($18) and make it look as wild and menacing as possible. Paint teeth on the front grill and other such nonsense. The more terrifying the better.

There you go. You're set to survive the apocalypse and you've only spent $4,272. Ha! Ten million bucks to survive the apocalypse. What a rip-off.

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categories Features, Sci-Fi