The wretched hive of scum and villainy website isn't exactly known for its positive contributions to the Internet, but every now and then something truly wonderful does manage to crop up amongst its legion of posts that will make your mind melt. It just so happens that this mental exercise is one such something wonderful:

"You're the first officer onboard the USS Enterprise. You were on a mission to rescue Samus Aran and Optimus Prime who've been detained by the Vorlons when you were unexpectedly intercepted in high orbit over the planet Pandora (where House Atreides are scanning for spice and Protoss are constructing additional Pylons) by a fleet of Star Destroyers under the command of Grand Moff Tarkin who immediately opened fire and demanded you surrender your ship and Ahsoka Tano to the Galactic Empire. Warp engines are offline, shields at 38% and Picard has been incapacitated. Now you are the acting captain. You have the Conn.

Meanwhile, Moya and Andromeda have responded to your distress call and appear at your starboard but have just been intercepted by the Battlestar Galactica under suspicion of being Cylons and because Lt. Thorn wants to rape Rommie and Chiana. Just then hundreds of Borg cubes arrive and announce their plans to assimilate everyone. No sooner does this happen when suddenly thousands of Imperium ships of the Adeptus Astartes warp into orbit trying to regroup to confront a massive incoming Tyranid swarm hailing from the Behemoth Hive Cluster.

What now, Captain? Shields are failing and Prime and Aran are both counting on you. As is the Serenity crew that just took refuge in your shuttle bay. Assisting you will be R. Daneel Olivaw, Gordon Freeman, John-117, Commander Shepherd and the entire Green Lantern Corps.

Also, you've just gotten reports of several security personnel being found beheaded and hanging from the ceilings while many more have been quarantined to sickbay after being found unconscious with unknown life forms attached to their faces."

Holy hell, about the only space-based geek staple the anonymous man/woman who dreamed up that orgy of a scenario left out is Galaxy Quest. So the question is...what do you do? (If you need some tips, 4Chan has some excellent suggestions already).

Personally, I'm not making a move until I know what the Space Baby thinks of all of this...
categories Features, Sci-Fi