Consider it a lesson learned from our previous round of The Remake Game: casting live-action for a cartoon is not kosher. So maybe only one commenter complained, but do you know how hard it was for me to pull a glorified all-star cos-play scenario out of my hat? Well, not very hard at all, no.

But from here on out, I'm sticking with the proper classics, films like 1988's Die Hard. Again, nobody's actually proposing a remake of this yet -- not so long as Bruce Willis is alive and willing to partner up with the next Mac guy. For fun's sake, though, let's try and determine just who Hollywood would cast and who we'd rather see take on terrorists at Nakatomi Plaza.

In the Hollywood version, we're probably looking at:

  • Mark Wahlberg as wise-crackin', tough-as-nails cop John McClane
  • Christoph Waltz as Hans Gruber
  • Kristen Stewart as McClane's daughter (when the producers claim that they're taking from Roderick Thorp's novel and not John McTiernan's film, this is the only change they'll make)
  • Kevin Durand as Gruber's short-tempered right-hand heavy, Karl
  • Craig Robinson as helpful police officer Sgt. Al Powell
  • Greg Kinnear as prick reporter Richard Thornburg
  • Dennis Quaid as blowhard police chief Dwayne T. Robinson
  • Bradley Cooper as the slick, smarmy Ellis
  • Pierce Brosnan as executive of interest Takagi some other name
  • Columbus Short as tech-savvy Theo
  • Aziz Ansari as oblivious limo driver Argyle
  • Matt Dillon as FBI Agent Johnson (white)
  • and Terrence Howard as FBI Agent Johnson (black)

Yikes, right? (Although I'd dig Robinson as Al and Cooper as Ellis.) For my ideal version, though, it'd be more like:

  • Thomas Jane as John McClane (almost went with Timothy Olyphant, but he's already been a baddie in the current series)
  • Michael Fassbender as Hans Gruber
  • Carla Gugino as Holly Gennaro
  • or, if you want to go the daughter route, Odette Yustman as McClane's little girl
  • Derek Mears as Karl
  • Idris Elba as Sgt. Al Powell
  • Patrick Wilson as Richard Thornburg
  • Gary Cole as Dwayne Robinson
  • Jason Bateman as Ellis
  • Ken Watanabe as Takagi
  • T.J. Miller as Theo
  • Donald Glover as Argyle (okay, I promise that he's not becoming the next Shea Whigham of my recurring picks)
  • Shea Whigham as FBI Agent Johnson (what?)
  • and Anthony Mackie as the other Agent Johnson

Now it's on you. Cast the following roles:

  • John McClane (Bruce Willis),
  • Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman),
  • Holly Gennaro (Bonnie Bedelia),
  • Karl (Alexander Godunov),
  • Al (Reginald VelJohnson),
  • Dick (William Atherton),
  • Dwayne (Paul Gleason),
  • Ellis (Hart Bochner),
  • Takagi (James Shigeta),
  • Theo (Clarence Gilyard),
  • Argyle (De'voreaux White),
  • Agent Johnson (Robert Davi),
  • and Agent Johnson (Grand L. Bush).

Yippie-kay-yay, melonfarmers.
categories Cinematical