Look, it's already been four movies. If Milla Jovovich's telekinetic gun-wielding super-babe, Alice, doesn't finally squash the Umbrella Corporation for good by the end of Resident Evil: Afterlife this weekend, then she'll probably be as bored with the prospect of going after them again as we all are I already am. So, just for fun, here's a handful of other Evil Movie Corporations that Alice and her army of clones could go take down instead.

1. Cyberdyne Systems from the Terminator films: As we learned at the start in the first Resident Evil film, the Umbrella Corporation's biggest profits were generated by military technology, genetic experimentation and viral weaponry. Surely, Cyberdyne offered their share of competition in the first field, what with its progress on self-aware cyborg development and time travel in general. So who better to send after one unstoppable killing machine than another? Hell, maybe they could even dovetail into "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" and pair Alice up with Summer Glau's robo-mama to take down the latest models being sent back in time to kill whiny-ass Ed Furlong. (Two separate timelines, I know, whatever, let's roll with it.)
2. Weyland-Yutani from the Alien series: Let's face it, the next logical step after the walking dead and cyborg assassins from the future would have to be space. Perhaps Weyland-Yutani bought up Umbrella in a merger, or vice versa; I don't know the details. We'll leave that to Hollywood. Ooh, wait. What if, like, a facehugger impregnates the latest Umbrella baddie on the company's space station or moon colony or something and kills him ('cuz it's always some white guy) before Alice gets the chance? Unsatisfied, she decides to hightail it to the alien home planet and kick some xenomorphic butt before returning to the newly infested space station/moon colony/whatever and blowing it up, walking away in slow-motion from a silent but sizable explosion because there's, like, no gravity or oxygen up there? Huh? Huh?!

3. InGen from the Jurassic Park films: Okay, I'm sorry. That got a little silly, but this, I can get behind. So Alice has already defeated infected dogs and infected birds -- why not pit her against... infected raptors? Not bird raptors, duh, but like dinosaurs and sh*t. She goes to some tropical island to escape the zombie epidemic and what does she find there but a bunch of dinos on the loose and a clone of Jeff Goldblum's character in a lab whose usual mannerisms and bon mots still apply, the "must go faster" and "always looking for the future ex-Mrs. Malcolm" and "your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should" and such. Just think about it a bit before you write it off entirely. It can't be any worse than the dinosaurs being armed with guns.

4. Wayne Enterprises from the Batman series: Meanwhile, back on the mainland, Bruce Wayne has holed himself up in that massive lair of his while the Umbrella virus wreaks havoc up top and eventually goes stir crazy. (I'm talking Batman-on-Twitter nuts.) He's mutated his pet bats beyond all reason, he's even subjected poor Alfred to a series of deranged experiments that leave him looking like one of those hulking freaks that Alice is so used to taking out with the help of so much wire work. And what would she possibly have against Batman, you ask? Um... how about... as a crime fighter, he killed her parents when she was a kid, and now she's seeking revenge. Irony! Huzzah! Man, I'm feeling a little light-headed...

5. Acme Corporation from Looney Tunes: Where was I? Oh, right. So maybe the Road Runner, with its super-speed and invincibility and stuff, holds the genetic key to curing the zombie menace, but Alice has to go up against a bunch of knife-wielding mutant coyotes in order to save it. I know, it's absurd, but the family dollar's where it's at, people, and besides, it couldn't hurt for today's kids to have a role model like Milla Jovovich anyway. That's Halloween costume merchandising money right there!

6. The East India Trading Company from the Pirates of the Caribbean films: Don't give me that look, I've thought this one through. So remember when I said that Cyberdyne Systems had perfected time travel technology? Wellllllllllllllllllll, that's how we can send Alice back in time for face off against a wholly different kind of undead threat -- pirates -- and it's an excuse to put her in a bikini without any raptors running around and making that wardrobe seem super-silly on her part.

7. Omni Consumer Products from the RoboCop series: I'll be honest -- I've got nothing here beyond a mental poster with Milla Jovovich and friggin' Robocop on it. Maybe even Robocop on a unicorn, why not. Sounds cool to me. Let Hollywood figure out the specifics, I'm gonna go take a nap...
categories Cinematical