In life, we face tribulations on a daily basis. The colloquial wisdom would have you believe that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. But how often is that expression tested? When push comes to shove, and your mettle is truly tested, do you ever feel strengthened by having survived the ordeal, or are the residual scars enough to dampen your quality of life?

Last week, Jackass 3D opened in theaters nationwide offering us more of the beloved crassness we've come to expect from fuzzy little freakshows Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius, Bam Margera, and Steve-O. While this writer found the film to be a mostly harmless -- if painfully juvenile -- pastime, the film's questionable content was apparently too much for one audience member to bear. Cinematical recently received this letter, apparently written from inside the theater while the film was still playing.

Here now, is the survivor's harrowing tale...
"I don't know who might be reading this; I hope it makes to the right people should I not survive. I am not sure how this nightmare began but I remember all intentions were pure. I recall the bright lights and being funneled through dark corridors. I remember the attire they forced us to wear; dark glasses, almost blindfolds. That's when they started the machine and the torture began. I tried not to look; I fought my own eyesight with all my might. But they kept shoving these images into my face...directly into my face.

I remember seeing all the naked bodies. Why were there so many naked bodies? I felt violated by the truckload of junk thrust at me. At first, I thought it was just gay porn, certainly had all the auditory cues of such when I shut my eyes, but the sheer amount of punishment inflicted upon male genitalia was wholly disquieting. I couldn't help but wonder if my own private parts would be next to be tied to a remote controlled helicopter.

There were people being treated as less than human, urinated on as if they were animals. They were throwing innocent men, most of whom clearly suffered from severe learning disorders, into cages with wild beasts or subjecting them to swarms of angry bees. Just for sport, they forced a man to drink a cup of sweat from a terrifyingly obese man-child. I cannot un-see what I have seen.

The worst part is that no one lifted a finger to help. They just watched. Not content to merely spectate, those in the audience cheered and laughed at what was happening before them. I was reminded of the Romans in the Colosseum; the bloodthirsty rabble screaming for more pain, more suffering. At one point, the crowd booed a glimmer or mercy bestowed upon a man thrown into a pit of snakes. They wished the cruelty augmented by a second plunge. I fear for our future.

In the end, I have to believe people are still basically good. If I couldn't satisfy myself of that, I would give up right now. I also have to believe there is still someone up there watching out for us. By up there, I of course mean the MPAA. I still have to believe that the MPAA is omniscient and merciful, but how could they let this happen? I can do this; I will survive.

Oh God! What are they doing? Why are they strapping than man into a portable toilet? Wait, it's full of-no. Don't do that! Noooooo!"

The letter ends there, as the rest of the paper appears to have been chewed off.

categories Cinematical