I have been asked by the powers that be at Moviefone to write little behind-the-scenes stories about movies. They apparently want me to be their "expert" on such matters.

An expert is loosely defined by Wikipedia (a completely unreliable, non-expert source) as "someone who is recognized as an authority in his or her given field."

The problem: I am not recognized as an authority in my given field. In fact, I am often not recognized as even being in my given field.

I was at Starbucks the other day, and a man waved at me and said, "I can't believe you're here!" I, of course, thought he was amazed to be seeing a famous actor standing in line for a latte with all the common folk. I was wrong. It turns out that he thought I was the barista who had recently been fired for getting high in the backroom during work hours. He couldn't believe I had the cajones to show up again.

So, in accepting Moviefone's offer to write a semi-regular column, I graciously declined the role of "expert." Instead, I suggested a far more accurate title: The Best Expert Moviefone Could Find.

And so, in coming months, I will share with you a glimpse of weird and true happenings on movie sets -- everything from dealing with difficult stars and producers to getting blown up by special-effects people.

Our first topic: snacks on set.