Welcome to Adventures in B-Movie Land, the monthly column where I take a look at some of the strangest, cheapest and worst films ever made ... and explore why you have to see them. Look for new entries on the second Wednesday of every month.

The Motion Picture:

'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians' (1964), directed by Nicholas Webster

Also Known As...

There don't seem to be any alternate titles for this extraordinary motion picture. When your title is 'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,' you don't need any stinkin' alternate titles.

Featuring the Talented...

John Call as Santa Claus, Leonard Hicks, Bill McCutcheon and Pia Zadora as the Martians he conquers and Victor Stiles and Donna Conforti as the two annoying kids along for the ride. Oh, and Gene Lindsey as the Worst. Polar Bear. Ever.

What Is It?

A science fiction family movie comprised entirely of cardboard, stock footage, green face paint and military surplus that follows a strangely apathetic Santa Claus and two dull children as they're whisked away to Mars to teach the Martian children the meaning of Christmas. Despite the dark implications of the title, very little conquering actually occurs.
categories Columns, Cinematical