Full disclosure: I am not a fashionable guy. Honestly, as best as I can recall, the 2011 Golden Globes marks the first time I have ever watched the red-carpet portion of any awards show.

Before tonight, the only thing I knew about the pre-show arrivals event was that it features Joan Rivers insulting celebrities to their face. Apparently, they all love it but they also all hate it. Or maybe more accurately, they all love to hate it.

As these are emotions that I do not understand, I shall attempt to play along as best I can as I dissect the mind-blowing fashion seen on the red carpet tonight. That way you can love to hate me, too.

Also, as I write this, I am with a few buddies in the Army and Navy, who are about to get deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan, respectively. Out of respect for their manliness, I will honor their requests their comments go uncredited; they will be tagged simply as "Army" and "Navy."

Here's what one dude and two of his dude pals had to say when they watched the Golden Globes' Red Carpet Fashion telecast.

Helena Bonham Carter
Army says: "Looks like she should be on stage at a wild west saloon."

Navy says: "Her shoes look like a traffic light. Why is she wearing mismatched shoes? It almost annoys me more because she is wearing it to be obnoxious. Like, she's not wearing it because she thinks it looks good; she is wearing it because Tim Burton's weirdness is a sexually transmitted disease."
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Navy: "It looks like she has a bib. I bet that would catch crumbs if you were eating something crumbly."

Sarah Hyland
Me: "She does not look 13 in that dress. This is going to make me feel like pedophilic when I watch that show. How does she look so young on 'Modern Family'? Science?"

Scott Caan
Me: "Looks like Santa's little helper. That dude is short. Also the back of his head looks like a faux-hawk. And he's losing his hair. I should know, I have that exact same hairline. How is this guy a celebrity?"

Eva Longoria
Navy says: "She looks banging, and chicks who are on the divorce rebound are notoriously the most fun." Everyone in the room here agrees.

Nicole Kidman
Army: "Look at her face! Ahhh!"

I add, "Don't get your face botoxed into an expressionless mask and then deny it. She looks like Michael Jackson."

Navy agrees. "Her nose is dangerously sharp," he says.

January Jones
I say, "That dress looks like the outfit in the Fifth Element, which is one of the most ridiculously sexy outfits of all time."

Army: "Thank God for that dress."

Navy: "The Jets just scored a touchdown!"

Sofia Vergara
Navy says, "God bless America for immigration laws that allow for people like her to move here."

Emma Stone
Me: "Her dress looks like smooth sherbet."

Julianne Moore
I say, "She looks like a matador."

Navy says, "I have the urge to paw the ground and charge her."

Christina Aguilera
Navy says, "She's healthy looking. I'm excited to see the divorce go through. Finishing a divorce is concurrent with losing 15 pounds. I'm looking forward to her getting back to the dirty stuff she did when she was younger."

Claire Danes
Navy says, "I wish she would reverse that dress so her shoulders were covered and her chest was exposed. It seems like the opposite of what she should be showing off."

Anne Hathaway
I say, "This is how my mom dressed for dinner parties in the '80s. Why is she wearing shoulder pads?"

Navy says, "Holy crap, the Jets just won! How is that possible?"

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