Let me preface this rant completely rational argument by saying that I don't actually mind Bradley Cooper. He's grown on me over the past few years, first with 'The Hangover' and then with 'Limitless.' He seems to take his craft seriously. He's not papped every night drunk off his ass with a desperate young starlet clinging to him, lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills. He appears to be making a concerted effort to broaden his range. Fine. I can respect that.

BUT HE NEEDS TO STAY AWAY FROM 'THE CROW.' What is he thinking? Yes, playing Eric Draven would be a significant departure from anything he's done thus far. But 'The Crow' is iconic! Nobody should try to recreate the amazingness that Brandon Lee achieved. Brandon Lee is Eric Draven, always and forever. Not even Johnny Depp, as awesome as he'd be, should go anywhere near a 'Crow' remake. Ever.

I realize this is probably coming across as a hysterical outburst by someone who takes 'The Crow' way too seriously. Sure, I'm a 'Crow' fanatic; I'll cop to that. But that's exactly why the studios should be paying attention to rambling loonies like me. Who do they think is going to shell out money to see a 'Crow' remake? Bradley Cooper fans? I think not. I'm the target demo, and I know I'm not alone in my outrage.

As an attempt to give this rant some semblance of credibility, here's a list of 20 reasons why casting Bradley Cooper as Eric Draven is a terrible idea.
1. NOBODY other than Brandon Lee has any business playing 'The Crow.'

2. Eric Draven doesn't wear collared shirts, so Cooper's delicate neck might get cold since it has grown accustomed to being protected by a popped collar.

3. Cooper, 36, is too old to play Eric. Eric was clearly a cool 20-something guy who rocked out in a band and lived in a rad, no-frills loft. Cooper is a fully-grown man who would tell a guy like Eric to keep down all the racket from his yuppie loft / condo conversion next door.

4. I don't think Ernie Hudson would go along with this idea. And really, how could you do a 'Crow' remake sans Ernie?

5. I don't think the crow would take to Cooper. And without the crow, how's he gonna find Fun Boy, T-Bird et al? Huh?

6. Can you picture Cooper rocking the electric guitar without giggling?

7. Who would play lovable street tough Sarah to Cooper's Eric? Miley Cyrus? Or worse, Avril Lavigne? [Shudder]

8. Cooper's voice is more frat boy than haunting.

9. Cooper is too beefy. He's gonna have to do a lot of jogging and yoga to become lithe like Eric.

10. Cooper is too tan to play a dead guy. He needs that tan to offset his super-light eyes. With white makeup he'll look more like Silas from 'The Da Vinci Code' than Eric Draven.

11. I know Cooper went to film school and everything, but I'm not convinced he's got it in him to capture the raw anguish and rage that fueled Eric's vigilante pursuit of justice.

12. Thanks to 'The Hangover's massive success, Cooper will forever be associated with his character Phil. This association will be distracting while watching 'The Crow,' since everyone will be wondering when Zach Galifianakis is going to show up or Ken Jeong is going to pop out of the trunk naked.

13. Eric Draven is a super-sensitive guy. Cooper doesn't play super-sensitive guys. He plays arrogant d-bags like Sack Lodge from 'Wedding Crashers.'

14. At its core, 'The Crow' is a super-intense love story. Eric and Shelly were in love like nobody's ever been in love before. Cooper doesn't have any intense love stories on his resume, just embarrassing rom-coms like 'Valentine's Day.' Can he pull it off?

15. Who would even play Shelly to Cooper's Eric? His 'Alias' co-star Jennifer Garner? Some other actress who tests well among soccer moms? Like Jennifer Aniston? [Shudder]

16. Part of what made 'The Crow' so awesome was its kick-ass soundtrack, featuring amazing tracks by Nine Inch Nails and The Cure and Rage Against the Machine. Can you imagine anyone even close to that caliber getting behind a Bradley Cooper vehicle?

17. Remaking 'The Crow' as a 'Bradley Cooper vehicle' is just plain wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

18. The people who flock to Bradley Cooper vehicles are, by and large, middle-aged soccer moms and aging frat boys, aren't they? You think they're going to rush out to see 'The Crow'?

19. 'Crow' fanatics are outraged at the mere mention of Cooper tackling the role, and would almost definitely organize a mass boycott if such an abomination ever got the green light.

20. 'The A-Team' remake, which Cooper was much better suited for, had a 'meh' box office performance. What makes the studio think they'd get better results with a remake he's so clearly unsuited for?

Any 'Crow' fans out there agree with me?
The Crow
Based on 14 critics

A bird leads a resurrected musician (Brandon Lee) to his killers. Read More

October 13, 2016
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