The opening montage is narrated by Dustin Hoffman, set to the music from 8 Mile, and
features a creepy juxtaposition of Mel Gibson and Ben Kingsley-as-Ghandi.
Chris "Tape Delay" Rock gets a standing ovation … just for coming on stage. He refers to The Oscars as "Def Oscar Jam", due to the four black nominees. He then wisely suggests that Nicole Kidman's "performance" when losing to Halle Berry a couple of years ago was Emmy-worthy.
The opening monologue is AWESOME. Here are some highlights:
Cuba Gooding Jr. totally deserves that jab about Boat Trip.
"Clint Eastwood is a star. Tobey Maguire is a boy in tights… you want Tom Cruise, and you can only get Jude Law - wait! Why is he in every movie I've seen for the past four years … next thing you know he'll be playing Kareem Abdul-Jabar... you want Denzel and you can only get me? WAIT!"
Spike Lee enthusiastically claps in regards to Fahrenheit 9/11.
Re: Bush's ecomomic policy: "Now, imagine you work at The Gap. You close out your register, and you're 70 trillon short …"
The crowd is eating this up. No boos, that's for sure.
"I saw Passion of the Christ. Not that funny, really."
Even elderly Academy members are cracking up.
He closes by thanking our troops, and Hollywood claps politely.
One of Halle Berry's boobs looks markedly bigger than the other. She is here to present the award for Best Art Direction. The winner is Dante Ferretti and Francesca Lo Shappo for The Aviator, which is just - that film looked amazing.
Leo brought Gisele.
Renee Zellweger can not walk in her too-tight scarlet mermaid dress. She is squirming her way through presenting the award for Best Supporting Actor. They pick Thomas Haden Church's worst scene from Sideways as an exemplar of why he was nominated.
Morgan Freeman wins. Fourth nom, first win. Cue small standing ovation. He is deferential and brief.
Uh oh. They'll "be back with Robin Williams"...
Chris Rock, in a taped segment, goes to the Magic Johnson Theater to ask "regular people" what they thought of this year's films. Albert Brooks thinks White Chicks "got robbed". Then Martin Lawrence does an "acceptanc speech" - pure genius.