amityville046.jpgNew in theaters this weekend ... a whole lot of who-cares. Unless you're absolutely clamoring for horror remakes, deaf DJs, and/or Fox Mulder-directed Mork-as-retard misguided-cred-bait...

  • In a relatively straight review (for her), Manohla Dargis calls The Amityville Horror a "modest improvement over the original" - but since she calls the 1979 version a "stinker" whose "crushing dullness"made it "the kind of thing beloved by bored teenagers and recreational drug users," that's not exactly the highest of all praise.
  • Meanwhile, on the other side of the New York Times critical divide, Tony Scott reviews David Duchovny's directorial debut, about which he feels considerably less generous. House of D, in which "Robin Williams plays a retarded janitor", "will be irresistible to those hardy, wet-eyed souls who cherish Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man and Jakob the Liar." - but to the rest of us, it's "unwatchable".
  • Despite the fact that serious rave culture "may be beyond the reach of satire", DJ-goes-deaf mock-dock It's All Gone, Pete Tong gets an A for effort. "But," writes Laura Sinagra, "as the humor flags, [it] starts to feel more like an exercise." Meanwhile, State Property 2 is "A Hard Day's Night for the thug set" - but that's not necessarily a good thing.
  • Down and Derby looks like drecky "family fare" that will shamelessly pander to you and your children. Stay away.