Yesterday on his blog, David Poland dropped a one-line blind item that got his readers all riled up: "FINALLY!!! A movie that makes Bewitched look like a professionally made film!"

65 comments later, it seems more likely than not that this teaser was directed at Fantastic Four, which Poland screened earlier this week and which opens in general release tomorrow. Poland doesn't have to say much - as reviews filter in, the 37 (!) on Metacritic, and 21% (!!!) on Rotten Tomatoes, say enough. It already seems likely that the bad review of record will end up being Roger Ebert's full-stop, one-star pan. Yeah, you heard me - one star. That's half the stars Ebert awarded last week to the imminently forgettable Martin Lawrence sports com Rebound.

So on what grounds does Tim Story's superhero movie so offend?