bjorkJust kidding. As Robert pointed out, trying to explain a Matthew Barney film is a thankless task - so imagine trying to review one of them. Consider this:  along with Bjork, the movie (Drawing Restraint 9) stars a massive vat of Vaseline. Since Vaseline hardens if it just sits around without a lid, the vat congeals as the film progresses. Called "The Field" (also the name, incidentally, of a deeply depressing, Vaseline-free movie starring Sean Bean), the vat "is moulded, poured, bisected and reformed on the ship over the course of the film." With me so far? Good. Keep in mind, now, that this flick is over two hours long, with almost no dialogue. Still think you wanna be a movie reviewer?

According to Hugh Davies of The Telegraph, even making it through the screening was a chore. While others fell asleep, he finally gave up about 120 minutes in and tragically missed the denouement in which Bjork and Matthew Barney (identified in the film as "The Guests") a) breathe out of blowholes in the back of their necks, b) slice away one another's legs and feet, and c) discover traces of whale tails in the flayed flesh. Whoa.

No one seems to have been aggressively bitter about having to see the film, however. Instead, most were simply confused, lost, and a bit tired. One Italian journalist, however, was rhapsodic, proclaiming that she'd like to watch the film "over and over again." This may come as a shock to you, dear readers, but I will never, ever be that sophisticated.
categories Movies, Cinematical