bayActually, better make that "Michael Bay." Even though the man's picture is right next to "his" column in The Onion, I'm assuming that he wasn't involved in its composition. What's the fake Bay so upset about, you ask? Why, March of the Penguins, of course - everybody's favorite topic these days. But Bay's anger has nothing to do with the presence of either Darwin or God (or both) in the film, he's just pissed off that Americans would rather watch a bunch of penguins totter around than "Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson as escaped clones on levitating jet bikes."

In Bay's thinking, March is hampered not only by the birds' "wooden performances," but also by the total absence of key summer staples like violence, love, and villainy. While he hasn't yet quit making the big-budget spectacles that we all ought to be craving, Bay's not optimistic about the next one, which he fears "no one will see because they'll be off watching a 10-hour documentary on park squirrels."