The much-debated summer box office slump found its logical resolution today, when six major studios decided to stop making films in order to pursue safer opportunities in real estate and life insurance instead. The Onion has the exclusive story; apparently, the Hollywood sign and Walk of Fame are being dismantled as we speak. The stars are already starting to respond - Mark Ruffalo, for his part, is taking the news pretty well. "I can always go back to Wisconsin and tend bar," he said. "The folks you should really feel sorry for are Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise. They're fucking nuts. I have no idea what they'll do without Hollywood."

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