In the Potterverse, wizards that are powerful enough can cast a “patronus” spell, which summons an animal-formed avatar to protect them. These avatars often take a shape that is somewhat reflective of the wizard who summoned it. Harry, for instance, summons a powerful stag- the animal form that his animagus father had been capable of becoming.  We here at Cinematical pondered the question: if celebrities could summon patronuses, what form would they take? We present for your consideration our top seven choices, in no particular order.


  1. Ben Affleck – Aflac duck. I only say this because every stinking time that duck is on television, I want to see Ben Affleck guest star in his commercial. They are about at the same acting ability, after all.
  2. Ozzy Osbourne – Bat. C’mon, you know it’s already inside of him anyway. This choice is, of course, putting aside any arguments regarding only good wizards casting patronuses, because I don’t think there’s any doubt in anyone’s mind that Ozzie would be a Death Eater. That is, if they’d take him.
  3. Mary-Kate Olsen – Stick Bug. I tried to come up with the thinnest creature I could imagine. Unfortunately, that was Mary-Kate Olsen. So I moved to my second thinnest, the Stick Bug.
  4. Harrison Ford – Wookie. He’s owed a life debt, after all. Don’t tell me that Harrison Ford is just an actor playing Han Solo, I don’t believe you.
  5. Keanu Reeves – Rock. You know it’s not an animal. I know it’s not an animal. But nobody has told Keanu, and doggone it, he believes.
  6. Ted Kennedy – Pink Elephant. Because he’s drunk a lot. Get it? Ted is special because most patronuses are silver/whiteish. But silver elephant just doesn’t really turn into a good joke.
  7. Tom Cruise – Xenu the Alien. You know, the supposed creator of the world or whatever according to scientologists, although apparently none of them actually like to admit to his existence, or speak his name.

There are a million possibilities out there, people. You know you want to add to our list. Comment!

categories Cinematical