As you know, the Oscar winners are determined by a highly secret, very scientific process guaranteed to ensure the very best of the nominees in each category will go home with the coveted statue of a naked golden man - and, let's be honest - who doesn't want a naked golden man on their bedside table or mantel? This year, as part of our extensive coverage of the awards show everyone loves to bitch about, we here at Cinematical headquarters are making our own highly scientific Oscar predictions in the top five categories, to assist you in placing bets with your bookies or office betting pools.

A few days ago, James Rocchi gave us his Oscar predictions, based on the Virtual Borgnine (tm), Rocchi's own invention based on the theory that Oscar winners are largely determined by old, rich, white men who have spent their whole lives in show business. Today, straight from the pristine lab located in my kitchen, we bring you Oscar predictions based on the Official Cinematical Pin the Oscar on the Donkey Oscar Prediction Game!

To assist me in the prediction process, I used my five assistants - my four (yup, I said four) younger children, ages 9, 6, 4 and 2, and my husband, Jay (he got to pick Best Picture, so I didn't have to deal with four kids fighting over who got to choose the last winner, but to keep it fair, the kids spun him around no less than 10 times. He's still recovering.) Each assistant was thoroughly blindfolded with an Oscar-worthy purple velveteen blindfold and spun around an appropriate number of times to ensure dizziness and slight nausea, which is pretty much what we feel when watching the Oscars anyhow. For purposes of determining the winner, the nominee that Oscar's head was closest to was judged to be the winner.

Without further ado, the Pin the Oscar on the Donkey Oscar Predictions: