As long as we're expanding our definition of "expert" this Oscar season, I thought we might as well explore the global-political vote. Herewith then, some words of wisdom from Nikolai Blogostroika, a v odka-soaked, Eastern Bloc -bred character I made up to make jokes about Capitalism and Communism.

Nikolai, what are you thinking in the Best Actor race?

Why do the gay cowboys not show a little gaeity? Back in USSR, we have no cows to be gay about. Truman Capote had eccentric way of dress and spoke with lisp. In Russia, we have Dostoevsky; Capote limp milquetoast sh*t in comparison. But Phillip Seymour Hoffman big strong man, very convincing as fruit.

Interesting. What about Best Actress?

Reese Witherspoon has a head, lumpy like a potato. It is quite appetizing. Many nights in Former Soviet Union, I sit up shivering, longing for such a warm "Ring of Fire".