Finally - 2:45 into the show, we get to the biggies. The nominees for best actor are:

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle and Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck

Hilary Swank (who, by the way, totally missed the Altman-esque dialogue in his intro - she clearly thought Streep and Tomlin were just really, really off) opens the envelope and surprises not one damn person by announcing that Hoffman wins. Again. Heath, David, Terrence, and Joaquin have grown sick of hearing the same list of thanks as they've been also-rans for the past four months, and are praying to God that he barks them this time. Sadly, he does not. All drunk talk, huh Philip?

Oh, well now he's thanking his mom and I feel bad about mocking him. She watches basketball with him! Right. I want to party with them tonight.