I was at the Yankees-Red Sox game last night when, in the middle of the sixth inning, a baggy-pants-wearing idiot jumped out of the stands and began running around the outfield with such carefree happiness I was sure he was under the delusion that he was Charlie Sheen at a bordello. Within 10 seconds, 15 security guards were on him like stink on a monkey, tackling him as if they were all NFL linebackers. Watching this scene got me to thinking about the movie 'Fever Pitch.' For those who don't know, a climactic scene features Drew Barrymore sprinting across the outfield at the Red Sox's Fenway Park so that she can reunite with Jimmy Fallon. Of course, the security guards in the movie are bumbling unathletic morons, and Drew easily evades them to lock lips with her man. But I thought, wouldn't it have been funnier if the security guards just absolutely level Barrymore and she doesn't reunite with Jimmy until he bails her out of jail? Or even better, she meets and falls in love with a Yanks fan whilst she's in the slammer. In the spirit of this revelation, I have taken the liberty of rewriting the endings of a few of this summer's blockbusters.
'Poseidon' 'The Da Vinci Code' 'The Break-Up'
Real Ending: A ragtag group of vacationers led by Josh Lucas escapes the sinking cruise ship, miraculously finds a life raft and is rescued by choppers. Everyone else dies.
My Ending: Same as above, except sharks eat the survivors before the helicopters can reach them. Morbid, I know -- but sharks have needs, too.
Real Ending: Sophie Neveu (Audrey Tautou) discovers that she's the fruit of Jesus' loins and that she has lots of old people as secret bodyguards. Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) figures out the location of the Holy Grail.
My Ending: While fleeing from Sir Teabing (Ian McKellen) and Silas the Albino Sociopath (Paul Bettany), Neveu and Langdon seek safety by blending in with a group of protesters condemning the latest Dan Brown novel. Won over by the protesters' unapologetic distaste for fiction, Neveu and Langdon abandon their Grail quest and dedicate their lives to boycotting stuff and making lots of smart babies together.
Real Ending: Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) randomly runs into Gary (Vince Vaughn) a few months after their break-up. A possible reconciliation is insinuated but not depicted.
My Ending: Same as above, except that after Gary walks away, Brooke meets up with her best "friend" Maddie (Joey Lauren Adams) and the two begin to make out feverishly. Suddenly the movie makes a lot more sense.
'The Da Vinci Code'