Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake

F***!!!! All I know is that the Oscars better be A LOT more G**d***ed exciting than the Golden Globes ... or I'm gonna do something bad ... like tell you all what kind of debauchery I witnessed last week at 4:00 in the morning while hanging out at a Hollywood recording studio, and just who was doing who and who was snorting too much and who ended up crying ... I better see some exciting shit.

I wanna see innappropriately drunk red carpet disasters, clothes so remarkably made and fitted and put together that they are really costumes for the night's event rather than "dresses and gowns and suits." I wanna see provocative and attention seeking. I wanna be shamed ... I want everyone in the room to be ooooohing and aaahing and hitting each other on the shoulder saying "did you see that?!!!" I wanna feel as if I'm watching a fashion competition ... I want to be talking about what I saw that night on the red carpet the way everybody talked about Janet's nip or Pee Wee's indiscretion.