Jakks has produced this line of 8-inch action figures based on beloved characters from all of the Rocky films. It's an amazingly extensive collection, though you'll note they're a little light on Rocky V. I guess nobody wanted to own "Badly Brain Damaged Rocky." And they've got this version of Adrian where she appears to be exploding, but where's my "Coma Adrian" from Rocky II? Where's the beef? Oh wait...we've got the beef. Yes, the movie merchandising world has hit a new low. You too can own...a plastic replica of the side of beef Rocky punched in the original. Oh, and it comes with a blood-covered smock. No, I'm serious. Go ahead. Click the link. I'll wait.

Imagine you're a kid waking up on Christmas morning. You eagerly tear open a beautifully wrapped gift to find an action figure labeled simply: "The Meat." Wouldn't you think your parents were pulling some sort of cruel joke? Who would buy this, you ask? Apparently a lot of people. Even at the outrageous price of $12.99, "The Meat" is currently sold out. Now, I made some stupid purchases in my youth. At one point, I owned six different Leonardo Ninja Turtles. They were all the same, except one could store swords in his shell, one had a mask and trenchcoat, etc. Admittedly, my money could have been better spent on Pixie Sticks, Fun Dips, and Pogs.

However, even as a dumb kid, I wouldn't have bought, say, a large rubber pizza for the Turtles to enjoy. I wouldn't have bought a plastic ham sandwich for Darth Vader to nosh on between executions. You've got to draw the line somewhere. I love the Rocky series with all my heart, and I suppose Rocky beating his meat (could have phrased that better) is an iconic film image. But "Meat" is not a character. "Meat" does not an action figure make. "Meat" is not...oh, who am I kidding, I want one of these right now.

categories Movies, Cinematical