Next summer, we will all be getting notices informing us that we are required to 'keep up with the Joneses' once more. It's a task I'm more than a little ambivalent about undertaking. Pretty much every fiber of my being tells me that this fourth outing is a superfluous experiment in age-defying boomerism, and doesn't have the interest of fans at heart. Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg think they can do everything they did twenty years ago, and if they are proven wrong, it won't be any skin off their backs. They'll only have dumped yet another mediocre product onto the fans, as they've done over and over recently. If I was the mayor of show business, I would simply order this whole production shut down until further notice -- and this is coming from someone who, as an 11-year old, actually snuck a real whip into the theater to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

No, there's nothing I can do to stop 'Indy 4' from happening, but there's one thing I can do-- type up a bunch of suggestions that no one even tangentially related to the production will ever possibly read. Following these suggestions would at least help the creative team avoid some of their most probable errors -- the ones that we can all see coming from a mile away. So without further ado, here are some things that Spielberg and Lucas should keep in mind as they set out to tinker with my childhood, and none of them have anything to do with Shia LaBeouf, by the way. I have no idea what he's supposed to be doing in the film, but I'm willing to give him a chance. Okay, onto the list.


1.Go through David Koepp's script right now and cut out the age jokes. You know the ones I'm talking about. The one at the very beginning, where we see the 50s' bobby soxers sitting at their desks with legs crossed, looking dreamy-eyed toward the chalk-board -- then we see it's some young, non-Indy professor they're eyeballing, and we cut to Ol' Man Jones back in his office going through old scrolls or something. Cut that joke out. Also, go to page 42 and cut out the line where Indy says "It's not the mileage, honey, it's the years." No, I haven't laid eyes on any 'Indy 4' script, but you and I both know those jokes are in there -- how could they not be? Age is such an obvious issue/potential problem this time around that I don't have faith that it can be handled well, so let's just avoid it completely. Don't take Indiana's self-deprecating humor too far -- it works best in small doses. Don't lean on that crutch.

categories Movies, Cinematical