Today I uttered a sentence that felt as alien to me as anything that will ever flop out from between my lips. To a total stranger I said "One ticket for Bratz: The Movie, please," completely within ear-shot of all the random 12-year-olds (who stared at me blankly) and all the soccer moms who were now corralling their offspring away from the creepy bald single man who just bought a ticket for a movie aimed squarely at 10-year-old girls. And nobody else.

It was a singularly humiliating experience, but even though I have the world's most entertaining job, I don't mind admitting that once in a great while -- that this awesome job ... really ... sucks. Case in point: Not only did I have to withstand the agony of paying money to see a feature-length TV commercial, but I had to do it in full view of the people I desperately wanted to scream at. And here's what I wanted to scream: "Jamming your ten dollar bills into a poop-filled blender would be better than supporting this movie!" But I'm sure the intended demographic would just dismiss me as a security guard or a lunatic, so I opted to keep my mouth shut. And I made extra-careful not to make any eye contact with the pre-teen girls in the audience. I watch 20/20, you know.

To the point: This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I'll go as far as to call it one of the worst movies anyone's ever seen. Bratz is one the worst movies a stillborn chicken in Peru has ever seen. All those adjectives the movie critics love to throw around in an effort to make one simple point ("stay away!") are applicable here: Bratz is grating, puerile, limp and lethargic. Flat, listless, amateurish and ten flavors of horrifically inept. It's shallow and formless, confused and obtuse. Pitiful, execrable, wretched, abysmal ... man, adjectives are great. This flimsy excuse for entertainment is so plainly worthless that the only thing a halfway-intelligent ape could possibly think as it unspools is ... dang, people really will do anything for money. Movies based on toys are nothing new. Movies based on toys are also nothing good.
categories Reviews, Cinematical