Confession time: When I was young, like 10 or so, I had a very vivid imagination. Sometimes, when I couldn't sleep at night (and this is before girls entered the picture, just so you know) I'd imagine myself in ridiculous situations where, ultimately, I could save the day. Since I was always at the mall (big shout out to the Staten Island Mall -- holla!), occasionally I'd concoct a day-dream that involved armed men taking over the mall, with me as the only one who could put a stop to it. I know, I was 10 -- what can I say? Don't you love these little personal stories? Anyway, Kevin James somehow snuck into my dreams and decided to turn them into a feature-length movie. Damn him!
Variety reports that James will write, produce and star in a comedy called Mall Cop. And if you paid any attention to my previous paragraph, you probably already know what it's about. Yup, James will play a mild-mannered security guard who's forced to take action when a group of organized thieves take over his mall. Look for plenty of product placement and mall cop jokes to ensue. Columbia Pictures will shovel this one out, with Happy Madison producing -- which means, yes, Rob Schneider will most likely show up in some capacity. While I like James, he still hasn't convinced me he can hold down an entire film by himself. But it's an idea that has potential, so we'll see where they go with it. No director, cast, production schedule or random Adam Sandler cameo has been announced at this time.