Yesterday someone emailed me a letter that was -- their words -- "going around email chains throughout Los Angeles." This person claimed they did not know who wrote it, and asked if I knew. I did not. But I thought I'd post it here because it's pretty funny and the Hollywood assistants deserve to have their say too. That's right, this letter is from an assistant to a writer, and for those out there who know little about the process, this letter should give you a better understanding of how absolutely sh*tty it must be to work as an assistant sometimes. God bless the folks who can pull it off -- this one is for you ...
(Note: This letter is exactly the same as I received it, except I prettied up the curse words. The grammar errors were left to show how much the assistant really does need the writer.)
"Dear Writer on Strike:
Hi, it's me Assistant. The faceless voice you used to speak to every week. I'm pretty sure you don't have my name down, but that's ok, I know It's my Evil Studio Executive boss's name that is important. Anyway, I saw you this morning in your red shirt outside my office and it got me thinking about the times we shared together. I mean, even though we have never had a real face to face conversation, you have had a pretty big impact on my career and now, on my life.
I remember the first time I heard your voice, it was your answering machine, but still, it was the voice of a person I professionally admired. I left a message & I remember thinking my favorite writer has my voice on their home machine. When you did call back, I connected you to my boss and I listened on mute as I hung on your every word.
Remember when Evil Studio Executive said "Assistant send writer the script" and I replied "Of course" like a voice from the heavens?
Remember how you jumped a little and said you were spooked? You thought you were on that call alone....that was a funny moment wasn't it writer? I'm on all the calls you have with Evil Studio Executive. I take notes, write down dates & numbers and make sure that anything Evil Studio Executive offers to you, you get without him having to ask me. I
remember calling you back to get your address so I could send that script to you. At the end of the call you said, "thank you Kassistant." I didn't have the courage to tell you my name is actually "Assistant", but I didn't mind, I was talking to one of the people who inspired me to be where I am today. So I printed the script, and I bound the script and I drafted a cover letter. I remember bringing the letter to Evil Studio Executive to sign and he called me a "stupid f*ck tart" because I forgot to CC your agent. It hurt my ego a little but it was ok, this is what I put up with in order to work with creative genius like you. I called the courier and pulled up the writers list and changed your status from
"interested" to "reading."