Let me present Exhibit A in the case against granting talented young filmmakers extensive creative autonomy: Southland Tales, Richard Kelly's monumentally vapid, messy, aimless saga about the end of days in 2008 California. For his follow-up to 2001's cult hit Donnie Darko, Kelly has adopted a kitchen-sink approach, crafting a tale chockablock with characters, plotlines, and tonal shifts - is it philosophical drama? tongue-in-cheek fantasy? lame-brained sketch comedy? - whose sheer quantity of stuff is inversely proportional to its quality. There's barely a trace of substance to Kelly's fiasco, nor anything like a so-bad-it's-good vibe that might excuse the fact that it consistently falls flat on its face. Information is provided at a rapid clip but doesn't amount to anything; supposedly humorous bits promptly fizzle; and intricate mysteries regularly crop up, only to quickly prove themselves not worth deciphering. To be fair, Darko's elaborate, reality-bending enigmas were also something of a dog-chasing-its-tail ruse, yet at least that indie conveyed an authentic mood of angsty teenager-dom. Southland, on the flip side, merely imparts the feeling of being trapped in a meaningless pop culture blender - equal parts comic book and Philip K. Dick fictions - for 160 minutes.
After a stinging reception at its Cannes debut last year, Kelly trimmed approximately 17 minutes from his original version. It's hard to fathom how misbegotten that excised footage must be, but pondering an even worse Southland Tales is unnecessary given the nonsense left intact in this final cut. Introducing its first segment as Chapter IV - hey, just like George Lucas! - the phantasmagoric film, taking place over a three-day period, concerns Boxer Santaros (Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock" Johnson), a famous pugilist married to the daughter (Mandy Moore) of a Republican senator (Holmes Osborne) running for president. Boxer has lost his memory, and is now living with porn star/talk show host/recording artist Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Krysta has ties to revolutionaries known as the Neo-Marxists, who are intent on taking down USIDent, an Orwellian institution run by Miranda Richardson's Big Sister that was created in the aftermath of a July 4th, 2005 nuclear attack on U.S. soil. This assault led to retaliatory military campaigns in Iraq, Syria and other Middle East hotspots, as well as to Justin Timberlake's facially scarred Private Abilene returning home from war to deliver sub-Apocalypse Now narration from the Book of Revelations, and later on, to perform in an arcade-set music video for The Killers' "All These Things That I've Done."