Before I begin, you all need to know that I have not -- nor will I ever -- inject something into my ass. Now that we've cleared the air, anyone else watch this Roger Clemens thing this afternoon? What's up with this whole thing? And why does it have to turn into this ridiculous circus, with athletes testifying in front of Congress -- reports, analysis, blah blah blah. How does this help? When little Jimmy finds out that Roger Clemens won 150 Cy Young awards because of steroids, he won't touch the stuff ... because? Yes, great, they all did steroids. Let's test everyone from now on. Perfect. Problem solved! Oh no, there needs to be another investigation. And then another hearing. And then more people need to testify. Why? WHY?

Look, steroids are a big problem. Parents need to teach their children not to trust people who want to stick needles in places reserved for a little light smacking on an alcohol-fueled Friday night. And if these kids don't listen, then we need to use some scare tactics. Show them what steroids really do to a person. And since I'm a nice guy who wants to help, you can point your son or daughter toward the video below. After they watch it, you say: "This is what steroids do dammit! Love your body! Don't give into peer pressure!" Then you can come back here and thank me. No, wait, don't thank me. I'm just doing my job.