By now you've probably heard that Tom Hanks is looking to play an astronaut action figure -- which is either charming, or meta, or a sign that the universe is collapsing in on itself somehow. To be fair, though, Hanks' Major Matt Mason project (read more about it over on Variety) is the only one I can find it in my heart to forgive, mostly because he brought his own collection to the pitch meeting ... and a Mason figure flew with John Glenn on that final 1998 mission.

Nevertheless, I'm absolutely sick of the toy-to-movie trend. Transformers, He-Man, G.I. Joe, Stretch Armstrong ... they just keep coming. At first I was willing to excuse them because of how comforting it is to engage in childhood nostalgia -- and had it been limited to say, Mason and Transformers, I would defend them to even the most bitter critic. But now I'm rolling my eyes, and finding it all beyond silly. If it continues, I'm going to find it downright scary. Just how long are we going to cling to childhood? (And yes, I realize this is probably a bit rich coming from someone who enjoys her dose of Marvel.)

I'm also annoyed that all of these movies are themed around boy toys. Girls had their share of iconic 80s toys too, you know. If you're going to take Stretch Armstrong seriously as a character, where the hell is Strawberry Shortcake or Rainbow Brite? Where's She-Ra? Yes, these would make terrible movies that not even I, out of a wish to remember my stolen Rainbow Brite, would see ... but could they really be any more terrible than Stretch Armstrong? (Actually, I think She-Ra could be made watchable. Couldn't they green light it based purely on cleavage potential?)

I just hope they stop while they're ahead. And by that, I mean I hope they stop before they get to Teddy Ruxpin. He scared the crap out of me.
categories Cinematical