"Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language" wrote the novelist Henry James. But Mr. James was not a fictional character in a cinematic universe, where even the most innocent, idyllic setting can quickly turn into a battle for survival.

In recent years, we've learned from films like Hostel and Turistas that simply being young, attractive and stupid is enough to get you captured, tortured, and even have your organs stolen. That any road trip with your friends is likely to end in someone being burned alive. And that an activity as seemingly wholesome as camping will end with a single surviving member of the party running through the woods clad only in a tank top, her friends' blood, and a sheen of photogenic sweat.

No matter where you decide to vacation, odds are good that your cell phone won't work, you'll be stranded miles from the nearest gas station, and the only law enforcement you'll encounter will either be an inbred yokel or a member of the extended family of mutants who prey on idiots like yourself. Face it -- from the moment you start planning your vacation, your days are numbered.
categories Cinematical