By: Eugene Novikov

I don't want to believe; that's part of it. But really: Total Recall? Weird and scary and totally singular Total Recall? The one with the people being turned into mutants by cosmic rays and the villain who turns Martians into slaves by controlling the air supply? The one where that dude takes off his glove to reveal that holy crap, he's a mutant too? And the three boobs? Remember the three boobs?

Okay, I'm obviously working out some issues here, the main one being that I saw Total Recall as a very young boy and it scared and confused the ever-loving bejeezus out of me (in the best possible way, natch). But really, there's no way to remake Verhoeven's bizarro masterpiece, as I Am Legend (and Made of Honor!) producer Neal H. Moritz claims he's going to do. They might re-adapt the Philip K. Dick story, "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale," but that's a different matter. Dick adaptations are a dime a dozen. So, Mr. Moritz, I don't believe you. Shouldn't you be busy getting The Green Hornet off the ground, anyway? Go wrangle Michel Gondry.

I note, also, that as best I can tell no Arnold Schwarzenegger movie has ever been remade. This may be because people have been physically afraid of him, in which case his advancing age, along with a distinguished civil service career that would make it unseemly for him to murder five men with his bare hands (and surely the man would never stoop to a contract job), may increase the odds of a Total Recall redo. Another possibility involves a combination of two factors: a) Arnold Schwarzenegger movies are always and forever Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, and b) the notion of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie with some girly man who is not Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Arnold Schwarzenegger role is patently absurd. People would just laugh. Right? That's why this never went anywhere two years ago, right?
categories Features, Movies, Sci-Fi