Fellow Cine-mite Peter Hall would have you believe that there are five good reasons to see New Moon. Don't believe the hype. You'll be doing yourself, and all of humanity, a huge favor by saving that money and channeling it into the economy in a far more beneficial way. Like buying an ice cream cone for a stranger or adopting a kitten. I'm going to give you five reasons why you need to steer clear of New Moon, and those pitchforks and torches that Peter was having you get ready might come in handy if you're a Twi-hard, because you aren't going to like this.

These Aren't Vampires. Or Werewolves, For That Matter

Creatures of the night. The undead. Nightwalkers. Nosferatu. Dracula. These are vampires, and they sure as hell don't sparkle in the sunlight. In fact, sunlight makes them burst into giant gouts of flame. They have fangs, an aversion to garlic and silver, no reflections, and they can't come into your house unless invited. Plus, you kill them by staking them through the heart or cutting their head off. They don't sit around looking emotional and pining for their loved ones. If mankind ever had a mortal enemy, it's a vampire. Not whatever Edward Cullen and his Flock of Seagulls haircut is.

And while I'm on the subject, werewolves are beasts who are slaves to the cycle of the moon. They can't control when they wolf out, and they don't sit around breakfast tables eating giant muffins. Plus you take them out with silver bullets, not by refusing to date them. Jacob is no werewolf, he's just a guy who loves running around without a shirt on and feeling angsty about Bella. We want our other creatures of the night back in style, not in denim jean shorts. Give a listen to Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London," and wonder where the werewolf cool went in this movie.
categories Cinematical