I'll be honest. Horror movies have ruined me. They've tainted me. I can't watch anything without thinking, 'This would have been better if Jessica Tandy was actually a mummy.' For a while, I was convinced that the addition of zombies would fix anything (it would). I've broadened my view, however, and now I see the light. Every movie should have not only zombies, but multiple horror elements. There's so much high-falutin' dreck that I've sat through lately, wishing the entire time that Tony Todd would show up and turn the film on it's ear.

So now I'm rewriting movies. All of them. Many of them while they spin in my DVD player. Last night, I had the pleasure of seeing one of this year's rumored Oscar contenders, 'Invictus'.

The Clint Eastwood-helmed film is based on Nelson Mandela's involvement with the South African rugby team, the Springboks. After Mandela, played by Morgan Freeman, is finally released from his decades long imprisonment on Robben Island, he is quickly elected president. Using his new found power, he works at disassembling apartheid. He sees an opportunity in the mostly white team of underdog players, who still remind the long-oppressed black community of the racist regime they've suffered under. Mandela forges a kinship with Francois Pienaar (Matt Damon), inspiring the rugby team captain to unify South Africa by winning the world cup.

It sucked.

But it could have been better. It could have been epic. You know how? Two words: Black. Magic.

categories Features, Horror