Sometimes life just gets you down in the dumps. Maybe you're having trouble making a car payment or Sonic Drive In stopped carrying your favorite chili-covered hot dog sandwich. Maybe you found a lump on your testicle or Ziggy just isn't giving you that life-affirming chuckle. While I'm a firm believer that most problems can be solved with a cheap bottle of Scotch and another viewing of the Texas Chain Saw Massacre, everybody has to chime in when you have problems. People love to take you under their wing and spew faux-Jedi wisdom. Friends have advice. Strangers have advice. They even come unbidden to your home and bang on your door, telling you to read this book, take this class, or swallow this pill.

But let me tell you this --- they are all just maggots writhing across the flesh of the earth.

You can keep your L. Ron. Keep your Jesus. Tony Robbins ain't got nothin' on Abdul Alhazred. Abdul has penned the oldest and most effective self-help book since all of the cosmos was belched forth from the mewling idiot mouth of Shub Niggurath, the Necronomicon. Jehovah's Witnesses may knock on your door, offering you a way to salvation, or some unctuous man in a cheap suit may show up to sell you the carpet cleaner of the future, but if a dead eyed, mad Arab comes knocking, you should listen.

Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!

Embrace the gibbering chaos of the Old Ones. Click past the jump and prepare to have your mind torn asunder.
categories Horror