Did you know that 87% of all sex in America is immediately preceded by a Michael Bay film? Of course you didn't know that. I just made it up. But it's safe to say that sex and movies are activities that only occur at night (right?), so logic dictates that one would, at least sometimes, follow the other. (With perhaps a meal wedged in there somewhere.) So in line with the dental work silliness and the air travel warnings from last week, I now offer an essential list of five flicks to avoid before having sex with someone. (Note: Cinematical does not condone the act of sex. We're just aware that it exists.)

1. Friday the 13th Part 2 -- If ever there was a slasher flick's argument for simple, wonderful chastity, it would have to be the mid-coital double penetration that occurs midway through Steve Miner's Friday the 13th Part 2. It's a quick and vicious kill, and one that's surprisingly free of gore -- probably because there's no way Paramount could get a scene past the MPAA in which a pair of young lovers get skewered together ... and they don't even get to finish. Violent and tragic.

2. Species -- Let's say you have one of those amazing (fictional) nights in which a gorgeous woman gets naked and leaps into a hot tub with you. Let's further assert that she looks like Natasha Henstridge and, again, she's naked. If you'd watched Species earlier that night, then you would know what's about to happen: the chick is going to punch the back of your head out with her mutant alien mouth. Still, considering what Natasha looks like, it's actually not a bad trade-off.
categories Features, Cinematical