Sexual appetite just got a whole new meaning. The Sun reports that Nicolas Cage has a very strict eating regimen that doesn't conform to the usual vegetable/animal norms. He isn't a vegetarian. He isn't a free-for-all carnivore. He's devours only those who have dignified sex. We should only take this with a grain of salt, since it's the Sun, but true or false, this is too strangely wonderful to ignore.
I love all animals. I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales -- sentient life -- insects, reptiles. I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds. But pigs, not so much. So I don't eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.
Now allow me to go Green Porno on you to explain this. The website included a handy diagram (head over there to see it) that outlines which animal sex is deemed dignified by Mr. Cage. Some female fish lay eggs in a safe place, before her partner fertilizes them, while others are internally fertilized. Birds deposit sperm in the cloaca, and later, the lady will lay her tasty eggs. And finally, pigs grab the gal with the front legs and get down to humping business. Do you see a trend there? Humping is out. Spraying is in. I'll let you fill in the sex joke there. Anyone want to contact Patricia Arquette, Lisa Marie, or current wife Alice Kim Cage and confirm?

If this is true, will Cage start a new sex-based food movement? Did he just watch Isabella Rossellini's excellent short series and start ticking off "dignified" sex practices? If false, I've got to give it to the Sun, this is the funniest "news" post I've read in ages.
categories Cinematical