The good news: doctors will able to replace the missing thumb on a woman's mangled hand after an unfortunate firecracker accident.
The bad news: the BP gulf oil spill has decided to become sentient and is declaring war on mankind.
What? You don't believe me? Do you think it's a coincidence that a hurricane is starting to form in the Gulf of Mexico right now, planning to launch a vicious assault of oil, wind and water on the defenseless American coasts? Oh, you may think this is a coincidence, just another unfortunate side-effect of the Corporate Screw-Up of the Century, but the oil spill has already sent advance raiding parties to Pensacola, Florida, attacking the tourist-friendly beaches with vile gusto. Still not convinced? How about the spill's incursions deeper into American soil? Because it's just not the coasts that are in danger. It's everyone. Oil spill supersoldiers are hitching rides in rain storms, falling from the sky like the Russians at the beginning of Red Dawn, ready to strike anywhere at any time.