Full disclosure: I am not a fashionable guy. Honestly, as best as I can recall, the 2011 Golden Globes marks the first time I have ever watched the red-carpet portion of any awards show.

Before tonight, the only thing I knew about the pre-show arrivals event was that it features Joan Rivers insulting celebrities to their face. Apparently, they all love it but they also all hate it. Or maybe more accurately, they all love to hate it.

As these are emotions that I do not understand, I shall attempt to play along as best I can as I dissect the mind-blowing fashion seen on the red carpet tonight. That way you can love to hate me, too.

Also, as I write this, I am with a few buddies in the Army and Navy, who are about to get deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan, respectively. Out of respect for their manliness, I will honor their requests their comments go uncredited; they will be tagged simply as "Army" and "Navy."

Here's what one dude and two of his dude pals had to say when they watched the Golden Globes' Red Carpet Fashion telecast.

Helena Bonham Carter
Army says: "Looks like she should be on stage at a wild west saloon."

Navy says: "Her shoes look like a traffic light. Why is she wearing mismatched shoes? It almost annoys me more because she is wearing it to be obnoxious. Like, she's not wearing it because she thinks it looks good; she is wearing it because Tim Burton's weirdness is a sexually transmitted disease."