On "Saturday Night Live" there's a recurring bit on "Weekend Update" called "Get in the Cage," where Andy Samberg, fitted with a weird bald-cap/wig combo, defines what makes a truly great Nic Cage movie ("All the dialogue is either whispered or screamed") before attacking a celebrity guest (like, say, Bradley Cooper) for being in a ridiculous movie that he, unfathomably, is not a part of ("How am I not in that movie?")

This will probably be your immediate thought when watching the trailer for "Outcast," the newest Nic Cage movie that no one knew existed.

It has something to do with soldiers from... somewhere (we're not really sure, given Cage's nebulous accent), who have recently come back from the Crusades and are embroiled in some kind of assassination attempt in Imperial China. Or something. Honestly, nothing is quite clear. At one point Cage screams, "That throne is... my... BIRTHRIGHT!"

Other things that happen in the trailer:
  • Swordfights
  • Hayden Christiansen (yes, he's also in this movie) throws a knife into a guy
  • Nic Cage asks a kid how old he is and when he tells him his age, Cage laughs maniacally
  • Nic Cage says, "I AM the White Ghost" (and we believe him)
  • Some guy runs down a hallway on fire (presumably it was Nic Cage who set him on fire
  • Nic Cage says "That I'll drink to" and smiles creepily
  • Somebody throws a sword and it lands just in front of the camera (is this movie in 3D?)
  • Nic Cage gets second billing

Quite frankly, the trailer is so elaborate (and Nic Cage's hairpiece/beard combo so sophisticated) that we are thinking that this is actually a real movie that will be coming out at some point. Not sure how, exactly, it will come out, although sneakily released on Netflix in the dead of night seems like a good possibility.

Just enjoy the latest efforts of the One True God.